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My heart just aches with feelings of failure

The last few days I have been trying to write and it has felt laborious and a burden. Not because I don’t love writing, I do, but because I haven’t wanted to write about the sadness in my heart.

I have been struggling with headaches, stiff jaw and tiredness. I keep having horrible nightmares.

It has been 3 weeks since my sister took her life.

Knowing someone I loved felt so desperate that suicide was their only option is deep soul crushing. The pain of not getting to say, “good-bye,” not being able to help, and not completely understanding why will never go away.

My heart just aches with feelings of failure.

It is again time for me to sit at the feet of Jesus and let his love wash over me.

I know I need to sit and lean into God.

I know I need to find peace, rest and healing in him.

I know I need to. . .

But it’s hard.

I am deeply grateful:

for my kids who need my attention

A special and loving marriage,

Food that needs to be cooked,

Clothes that need to folded,

A house that needs cleaning,

And work that needs to be finished.

I don’t want any of that to go away. Now more than ever, I don’t want to take any of it for granted.

But it’s hard.

It’s hard to know what to put aside or what to put down and let my heart grieve.

So, I trust in God’s words in Psalm 23: 1-2

“The Lord is my shepherd,

I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

he restores my soul.”

God wants me to sit and grieve with him. Letting his love and grace wipe away each tear. There are days like today when everyone is finally resting and I can read, pray and write; releasing the tension deep in my body.

However, there are other days, most days, when I cherish my morning quiet time but then don’t stop again until my head hits the pillow.

So, though right now I live in sadness I also live in thankfulness. I am thankful God meets me in both places. In the still and in the hectic he will lead me by “quiet waters and restore my soul.”

For a few minutes today, I sit, cry, read, and pray breathing in the quietness. The sadness isn’t gone but my heart is encouraged knowing he is just as, if not more, grieved in the loss of a precious life.

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