It was 2013. After a year and a half of struggling with chemical allergies
a year of severe back pain we finally found doctors able to help us heal in Vienna.
It was 6 hours of driving, so we went for multiple days at a time.
Our van packed, every inch filled with clothes, sheets, blankets, air cleaners, food, and pots and pans.
Caleb in the backseat.
Silence in the car.
Our eyes fixed on the sky as we quickly approached Vienna.
Moments later. . .there it was. Billows of steam rising into the sky.
His warm hand took mine and squeezed it tight. He looked me in the eyes and brought me to instant tears. “Honey, I love you. I am really sorry. See you Friday.”
In a moment he was gone.
Flesh and blood sitting beside me, but mentally and emotionally gone.
The chemicals were so potent his body couldn’t detox from them. My best friend, partner in crime, lover, and father to our son, vanished in moments. His ability to think, feel, and process gone in an instant. His mind clouded, his emotions twisted, and his processing ability hindered. He no longer saw me as his best friend but as an enemy. . . always attacking and always accusing.
Driving past the gas plant, on the outskirts of Vienna, led to some of the hardest days of my life.
God. . . felt distant, harsh, and mean.
Rob was my best. . . my only friend.
We were missionaries.
We had given our lives to tell the world about him. Yet, in so doing, I lost my husband.
Tears. . . anger. . . loneliness. . .sadness
In-the-midst of these days, when God felt miles away, I held deeply to the Bible passages engrained into my heart.
“I have hidden your Word in my heart. . .
Your word, O Lord, is eternal;
It stands in the heavens.
Your faithfulness continues
through all generations.
Your Word is a lamp to my feet
And a light to my path.
Turn to me and have mercy on me,
As you always do to those who love your name.
Look upon my suffering and deliver me.
Your compassion is great, O Lord”
Psalm 119
We drove to Vienna every other week, staying 4 days at a time, for a year.
26 weeks without the love and friendship of my husband.
26 weeks sitting next to a stranger.
26 weeks struggling to believe in a God of grace and love.
26 weeks of loneliness and tears.
We walked the road of severe chemical allergies for 5 years. These days being some of the worst. Those 5 years were gut wrenching tough. I cried through most of them. And. . . I never want to relive them.
Now as sit in bed next to my husband who is now healed and all present, I look back at those days and I am thankful at the work God did in my heart and character.
Empathy. . .
Compassion. . .
Love. . .
Humility. . .
Patience. . .
Determination. . .
Endurance. . .
Hope. . .
Faith. . .
There is no guarantee suffering will be short. Suffering isn’t comfortable. Others won’t say what we want them to say. Sadly, and hardest of all, you won’t be seen by others.
It is often in the darkness we suffer. Hidden from others because it is scary. Suffering picks at our deepest fears and insecurities speaking lies to our hearts.
“You are not loved”
“You are not worth healing”
“You are not. . . “
But. . .
God’s Word is powerful beyond measure.
“Your word, O Lord, is eternal;
It stands in the heavens.
Your Word is a lamp to my feet
And a light to my path.”
God’s faithful love pours compassion on those suffering.
“Your faithfulness continues
through all generations.
Turn to me and have mercy on me,
As you always do to those who love your name.
Look upon my suffering and deliver me.
Your compassion is great, O Lord”
God’s love is unfailing.
“The eyes of the Lord are on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,”
Psalm 33:18
Remember friends,
You are seen.
You are heard.
You are not suffering alone.
You are loved.
Keep pressing into God and he will refine you in greater ways than you can ever hope or imagine.
There are many ways people struggle with God. Is there an area in your life you are suffering and struggling? Are their areas in your life you would love to have God speak into?
If this post was an encouragement to you - Please Subscribe below! As a treat I will send a helpful guide I wrote - 4 Simple Ways to Walk with God in Suffering.
