Updated: Feb 13, 2020
There is nothing quite like marriage that inspires you to dream about the person you could become while simultaneously showing you the realities of who you are.
I have always been good at saying what I felt, when I felt it.
I grew up in an expressive home. We yelled, screamed, slammed doors and loudly ignored each other complete with eye rolls and crossed arms.
Was it the best way to argue – probably not. But, I did learn to express and talk about emotions. We dealt with stuff when it happened and forgave quickly.
My way of arguing was a bit earth shattering when I married Rob. The first year of marriage we were stuck in a terrible cycle. I would get hurt, I would yell, he would shut down and get quiet, I wouldn’t feel heard, I would let him know he was a big punk for not listening and then go to our room until he came to apologize.
I was great at letting Rob know How and WHY he failed.
Yay, all you experienced married couples are like “0hhhhh no she didn’t.” “Oh yes, oh yes I did!”
Rob rarely ever gets mad. But what lights him up like a firecracker is someone making false accusations of his character.
We both hated the cycle and we both wanted off the ride. I want to treat Rob with grace and with love. He is a great husband, dad, missionary and my best-friend.
Eventually, we received life changing advise.
“Don’t assume intent, just describe impact.”
Our lingo began to change from: “You don’t love me, because you did. . .” “You don’t value me, because you said. . . “ “You don’t. . ., because you. . . “
And begun to sound more like: “I heard you say this, and it made me feel. . . “ “You did this. . ., and it made me feel. . . “ “You didn’t call. . ., and it made me feel. . . “
It has taken time, deep breathes, and grace with each other. Sometimes we have to stop ourselves mid-sentence and start over. But it has been good! So, so good!
Are there times when I want to cut Rob off and let him know why he was and is wrong – yup! But does it work – Nope!
Actually, sometimes it does. But I don’t walk away feeling victorious anymore, I walk away feeling horrible. I know I didn’t treat him the way I want to.
“You, being rooted and established in love, together, may have power to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” -Eph 3:17-19
We will argue again. . . probably when he gets home. Rob is currently in Czech leading a conference. The kids and I will have gotten into a routine and we will all be tired from a full week. But is that an excuse. . . nope! I want to treat Rob with grace and with love. He is a great husband, dad, missionary and my BEST-FRIEND.